ONCE upon a time when I was young, I mean really young! I didn’t care about how I look or what I eat. I didn’t even know what calories were. I mean HOW COULD I? – I was just living my live and I was happy. I just ate what my mom cooked and what I felt like to ate and it was really great. Until…

… It didn’t anymore. When I got in a new school I was really alone and didn’t had any friends. I was so nervous when I got in class. Everyone had their friend, sitting right next to them and I, I got literally no one. Luckily, two very nice girls offered me to sit next to them. I was so so so happy, that someone actually wanted to sit with ME! A couple of weeks flew by and I created a really good friendship with one of the nice girls. The other one got into another friend group. So there was just me and my friend. We did everything together. Literally everything! It was great, but there was this thing that moments when I realized, I was different. We were different….

When I meet her she was very shy as I was and that was okay. But all of the sudden she got new friends, even boys! Not that I didn’t like boys, it’s just, I didn’t like them that time. She changed a lot, I mean a lot lot. She cared about her outfits, she did makeup, she dyed her hair, she did musicallys, she wanted to drink alcohol, she wanted her first kiss, she wanted a boyfriend and she had a crush. She just wanted to do something new and I wasn’t really ready for it. So I just kept going. I really tried to do the things she does. But this things weren’t meant for me. I didn’t creat self-confident, attentions or coolness, instead I got the opposite. I really tried to catch up every trend, every fashion trend, every makeup trend, but the I didn’t really liked it. My friends felt it, but she didn’t say something but I could tell by the look in her eyes, in her face. I could Tell.

My mom was a great support during that time, unfortunately I didn’t realized it. I’m was so stupid.. 

I even tried to do musicallys but I didn’t get as much likes or followers as my friends and the other girls. I wanted to have the new shoes, new clothes and new haircuts too, but my mom couldn’t afford it. We weren’t poor, but not rich. We could afford buying new cloths, shoes and stuff, but not every month or so. I was very angry at my mom. At me. Me, not being cool or pretty enough. I was so desperate that I every time I saw a pretty girl, I wished I was born with her genetics. I just didn’t want to be me anymore…

Now you probably wonder, what has that story to do with my fitness journey?

- Well, I couldn’t just write it short you need the full background story, dah. But now here we go…

There was this moment when I realized I wasn’t as pretty as other girls and as my friend. Remember when I told you just a second ago about her new friends… plus boy friends. Well, we were seeing these boy friends/jerks every lunch-break in school. The only reason was because of this one guy she had a crush on. So he came every time with his friend group and she went with me. I got to say I was very happy that she went with me, just the two of us, you know. But after a while other girl friends come with us. It was no big deal really…

Anyways, when we got there all the attention was on her. I mean not that I was jealous, the opposite. I was very shy that time so it was not a big prob, actually I was released that I didn’t had to speak with any of the jerks. But what actually hurt was when one guy actually said that I’m very shy, don’t speak enough and wear cringe clothes. My friend and also her girl friends defended me that day. But that didn’t help as much as I wished. I felt sad, a ugly, angry, disgusting, disappointed and embarrassed at the same time. Somehow it was ok though. BUT This wasn’t actually the last time…

When I got in seventh grade, into another class, without my best friend… I luckily had a friend (actually a friend of my best friend). Her other two girl friends were (at the Beginning) so nice. We actually become friends, the four of us. But that friendship didn’t hold long enough. Once when we meet their boy friends, one of the boys said to my “friends” they look handsome, attractive and beautiful cool.

“You hmmm.., You don’t talk pretty much, but you always have your food box with you. So I’m guessing you are always eating. -Haha- Also you are wearing childish clothes because of the hairband.”

Said this dump ass when he looked at me, straight into my eyes.

It was not that bad. I know it could be worse. But everyone laughed and I was so embarrassed. That day I just wanted to disappear. I just wanted to hear something different, something good like the others. For example the proof that I’m actually pretty, beautiful and handsome. I knew I wasn’t popular or cool but I did hope I was the kind of girl who everybody finds attractive. Instead everybody sees me as a nerd with cringe cloths.

After that I was so sad and realized my “friends” didn’t were my real friends. They just used me to get their homework done or some projects done that we should be doing together, but I did it all by myself. I was just soooo nice and didn’t realized it myself that they manipulated me the whole time.

By that time my “best friend“ and I didn’t see each other as much as before. So I thought we could meet together, text each other, or what ever. I really tried to hold on to our friendship, unfortunately she didn’t…

Then I started to compare myself to others. Other girls who are thin, have thin arms, thin legs, a toned belly, a pretty face, gorgeous hair, soft hands or beautiful eyes and lips. All the things I didn’t see in myself. I realized my belly was not thick but also not lean, not lean as my sisters, my friends or others. I wanted to look like someone who i see as pretty. Someone who other people find attractive. I wanted to look like a model. Perfect, lean, gorgeous, famous, rich, clean, healthy and handsome. I wanted self confident, self love, but all I got was self disgusted, self shamed, self hate and self disappointed.

Therefore I began to workout, to ate healthy, to create a healthy lifestyle. I became a whole different person. For the first time since you know, I felt really great! I walked everyday, sometimes I even went jogging, I cut out sugar, ate little les carbs and cooked a lot of meals by myself. I didn’t even know that I’m really good at baking things. WELL I AM! My new Lifestyle was perfect. I mean was a whole new person. I actually lost some weight, around 7 kg. Some people will say, WOW THAT IS GREAT! But I wanted to lose more. I wanted to get really thin. I wanted to get ABS. Well, what I didn’t know is that you have to build muscle if you wanted ABS. So I kind of got upset about losing weight. No, I WAS REALLY DOING EVERYTHING TO BE THIN ENOUGH!

• I ate less then I should be eating.

• I did a lot of sports. When I say a lot I mean it!

• I did lots of HIIT and cardio workouts at home.

• I never ate processed sugar or any kind of unhealthy snacks.

• I cut out carbs, but on some days I ate a bit.

• and Last but not least THE WORST, I tracked all the calories of every tiny thing I ate. I LITERALLY TRACKED ANYTHING! – Even water!.?

So I got upset about calories… I thought when I’m eating less and doing a lot of sports, I would have got the body I wanted. But all I was seeing was a ugly, lonely Bitch.

Now when I’m looking back at the fotos, I see that I was skinny. I was actually pretty! I was actually thin! I was actually wearing cool nice clothes. I looked sooo good! WHY DID I NOT SEE IT? I mean even on the pictures before the eating disorder. I was NEVER ugly or unattractive! I was just so sad and so much upset about what others might say about me. I’ve manipulated myself to believed I’m not ever able to be pretty. I lost my sparkle in the inside. THE SELF-LOVE SPARKLE! All I got was this tiny little voices everyday, that said:

YOU AREN’T GOOD ENOUGH, YOU WILL NEVER EVER FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL LOVE AND SUPPORT YOU, YOU WILL END LONELY, UGLY, YOU WILL ALWAYS BE THE SHY LOSER, NO ONE WILL EVER WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND, YOU WILL NEVER HAVE A BEST FRIEND, YOU NEVER HAD ONE ACTUALLY, YOU ARE A DISAPPOINTMENT, YOU WILL NEVER SUCCESS, YOUR BODY IS JUST GROSS, NO ONE WILL EVER WANT TO TOUCH YOU, YOU WILL FOREVER BE A VIRGIN, JUST ADMIT THAT EVEN YOU DON’T LIKE YOURSELF.

I was frustrated, exhausted and stressed. This voice kept going saying thing. Not just these unmotivated things. Stuff like, YOU HAVE TO DO YOUR HOMEWORK, WORKING OUT, CLEANING YOUR ROOM, COOK THE MEALS, GO JOGGING OR ON A WALK, DO SOMETHING!….. And at the end of the day, when I was lying down in my bed all I could think about was, how I would look like if…, how my life would be if… and WHY AM I DOING ALL THOSE THINGS? And of course I thought about food. I was soo hungry! Because I forced myself to eat less.

As a result of this eating disorder and depression, I didn’t got my period anymore. It was gone. LITERALLY GONE! Not for two weeks or so. More like forever, nah actually for 6 Months. I mean I would lie if I say I wasn’t relived, because I actually was. The Girls get it, when you are on your period you are moody, in actual pain and super stressed. I thought this was just a tiny break. It will come back! What I didn’t know that it was unhealthy…

After that I told my mom about it and we went to the doc. She gave me some pills, but nothing happened. Then after another 6 Months we went to the same doc and she gave me the pill. THE PILL you know, the pill you take when you don’t want to get pregnant. I was so scared! I didn’t want to took the pill, my dad didn’t want that I took the pill either. But at the end it was the only solution at the time. So I took them… For like 3 Months I think and one day or two I got them back, but then they were gone, AGAIN. I was so frustrated, because I didn’t want to took the pill anymore. So we got some other medicine from the pharmacy. And that ladies and gentlemen’s was my WORST DECISION EVER!

I got very hungry, bloated and bad acne. I ate a lot of sugar and sweets. Therefore I had to burn the calories by doing sports, but after a time I didn’t want to do a lot of sports anymore. I was just super stressed and tried to reduced it by eating candy. Well surprise, it didn’t helped! First couple of months I didn’t gained weight, than I thought I didn’t but I actually did and after that I actually saw that I’ve gained weight. It was terrible! My Wohle Version of me broke in two pieces. SEENG ME, THE NEW ME. Everyday when I looked in the mirror I didn’t recognize myself. I HATED MYSELF. I hated myself for going that far, just to get the stupid period back. Than all of the sudden I got them back. I really got THE PERIOD back. But I wasn’t happy! I didn’t care! All I wanted was to be skinny again. To have the eating disorder again. I even tried to throw up the food I ate, so I could ate everything I want. But I couldn’t do it. I even tried to hurt myself. But I couldn’t do it. Every time I woke up I thought it was just a bad dream. But it wasn’t…

By the time everything happened I was in the middle of my last year at this school. My new friends I made didn’t know about any of this. Actually no one did know. It was just ME. But I kept going. Because all the people around me were happy, living their life. I wasn’t. Therefore I didn’t want to ruin their life. I was and forever will be the LISTENER!

Today I’m trying to live a better life. Healthier Life. But I would lie if I say it worked and I’m happy, because I don’t. I really am NOT doing great! Every time I want to eat something those things keep blowing in my mind:

WHAT ABOUT THE CALORIES, THE MACROS, IS THIS EVEN GOOD OR HEALTHY, YOU JUST ATE UNHEALTHY, YOU WILL GAIN WEIGHT, YOU HAVE TO DO A WORKOUT LATER, TOMORROW YOU WILL EAT NOTHING, WHERE IS YOUR DISCIPLINE, LOOK AT THOSE GIRLS, THEY ARE SO PRETTY….

I’m frustrated, disappointed, stressed, sad, angry and ashamed. Ashamed of myself. ME BEING UNHEALTHY, UNDISCIPLINED AND NOT LEAN. I HAVEN’T GET MY DREAM BODY. I just feel like a whole disappointment, because I’m not skinny. Also I’m being going to the gym for like 9 Months. I was so happy when I got in. I ALWAS WANTED TO GO TO THE GYM! But nothing happened. I really thought I would get lean, skinny and lose weight. BUT I DIDN’T! I’m still don’t fit in my old cloths and still have a bit fat every where and I’m still not having a glow skin. I LOOK LIKE I HAVE RED FRECKLES! My hair is also not as shiny blond as it used to be. IT GOT DARKER, MORE LIKE BROWN! All I ever wanted was to lose weight, to look pretty and to be liked by other people. And all I got was the opposite. Well I don’t know if others like me or not, but I’m the bus no one wants to sit right next to me, so…

Also Right know my only friend is not my sister, nahhh she is so in her teenage phase, is my cousin. But she doesn’t really see me as her best friend but cousin/one of her best friends, but it’s ok. In my class I literally have no one. I’M LONELY THERE! Sometimes it kills me that I’m alone, but MYSELF IS THE BEST COMPANY FOR ME! Always remember that! And you will never ever take some pills from the pharmacy for getting the period back! Also you guys have to promise to do better than me! If you are actually in the middle of this crisis than congrats you have screwed up! But your not alone.

If you are having problems with depression and eating disorder than you should go to your parents and to a doctor. I’m not a professional! I’m just telling my story. Maybe there are people out there knowing what to do and also telling their stories. But there are people like me who are shy and just LISTENERS who can’t spill their Voice out, not yet! Who are scared to talk. So I created this blog, this website, where everyone can talk to me, tell me their story and I will do everything to help you guys. So write me, text me, tell me something and I will keep you updated. See you next time, or not!

Xoxo

I don’t even know how to end those things, great! Xoxo, so cliche right? I need something good, something special...

Ciao cacao! Adíos amigos! Arrivederci! 😉